I’m Running Out Of Spoons

I feel like I need to maybe get a wider perspective and stop having a pity party, from hearing from others going through something similar, so if you have ANY experience with any of these please get in touch and offer me some words of wisdom. Oh and if you’re healthy let me have some of your spoons!!

I feel pretty thinly stretched at the moment, between working full time, being a wife, being a parent to a very active toddler, pregnant, not having an appetite, family, friends, the three blogs I write for, feeling pretty bleugh, my stoma, support group and the dreaded money!

To me all these are actually pretty easy to manage one at a time, but these are in no particular order either;

• working full time – I have a set rota or I usually do!! That works for me.
• being a wife – 00Steve isn’t needy but sometimes (all the time) has high standards (cleaning anyone!) that just right now I can’t fulfill.
• being a parent – I’m bloody lucky that Ra-Ra enjoys watching DVDs, singing and is more than happy to go do some imaginative play by herself when I’m really feeling out for the count.
• pregnancy – now I have already mentioned in previous posts how pregnancy doesnt seem to agree with me! But I am 22 weeks now so in the long run I’m not that far away from holding Button in my arms.
• not having an appetite – now this is part and parcel with BDD and Pregnancy but if I had an appetite I might have the energy to do more than one thing at a time.
• family – lets face it who doesn’t have some issue going on in your family life.
• friends – I don’t get to see my friends much and sometimes I hate how far away we live from each other.
• blogging – now as much as I enjoy blogging I think sometimes people can take for granted that I have to write something completely unique, sometimes have a word count and well there’s only so many topics you can write about without talking about yourself!
• feeling bleugh – I swear I seem to be getting every strain of cold and sore throat known to god damn man! I think what’s worse is when you are pregnant you cant take much for it. I’m not sleeping on my days off properly because of my sore throat.
• stoma – with having to go through three different bags as each one just seemed to cause a new problem with my bump and hormones but like I said before I don’t have long left to suffer! But due to the eating issues my output has no rhyme or rhythm to it which is affecting my sleep as well.
• support groups – online groups seem to be harder mentally than the physical one. Just trying to have them run smooth and keep everyone happy whilst not changing your groups ethics is hard.
• money – who doesn’t this affect? I mean really! I am very lucky to be able to work full time and have 00Steve works the same. Because of us working full time our bills are paid, we have food on the table, clothes on our backs and a roof over our head. But soon I go on maternity and like any other woman who has gone on maternity knows its a massive hit to your wage. I am sure we will manage but it still doesn’t stop me worrying!

I have this overwhelming sense of loneliness and I can be in a room full of people I enjoy being with and still feel like I’m not there or not wanted. The logical part of my brain is telling me this is all down to the hormone imbalances  and will soon enough right itself either when Baby Button is born and/or I go back onto the anti-depressants. But I think what gets me the most is I spend very little time with adults. With or without kids around as lets face it I’m a parent so I would be hypocritical if I didn’t want kids around. I’m telling you I can’t wait till the PW pamper day (which is now sold out but there is still the charity ball in July) and I can just chill with my osto-ladies and just forget everything for a few hours.

I know I am not alone with this one but I struggle with self love. I just don’t know where to start like everyone tells me “be kind to yourself” and I just think how? I have bubble baths just to soak whenever I can but when a certain tinker is awake the tranquillity is soon gone! I put make up on for myself not for others, so I may not look flawless (I’m sure I have never looked flawless mind lol) but I feel pretty. I listen to my favourite music on the bus but what else is there? What do you do? Sure it may not be applicable to be but it may spark an idea, I seriously can’t wait to get back into running I was definitely happier in my mental health when I was running.

I was tagged at the beginning of the month in whats called “My Mighty Month” which is a challenge each month on different aspects of your life. It’s ran by The Mighty and January’s was on journaling. This month is about happiness and it’s quite clear I need a bit more happiness in my life that doesn’t always rely on others. I will talk about it more when the month is over but I am filling a little jar full of origami stars that have written inside something that made me happy that day. I’m not going to lie it can be hard but I have started to do things just so I can write something down. Which is definitely falling under the making my own happiness category! But its filling up nicely so let’s see if this helps.

If you have gotten this far and thought “WTF when is she going to explain the spoon thing” well here you go!

The spoon theory is a disability metaphor used to explain the reduced amount of energy available for activities of daily living and productive tasks that may result from disability or chronic illness. Spoons are an intangible unit of measurement used to track how much energy a person has throughout a given day. This was created by Christine Miserandino of But You Don’t Look Sick.